<3 The Times
The Times is full of good things this morning, and not all of them are political. If you're as addicted as I am, you might've already seen these, but if not:
1) Bread! A whole feature on the virtues of no-knead breadmaking. I'm definitely down with the no-knead camp.
2) Fascinating: what happens to your brain when you speak in tongues. It correlates rather eerily with what people like my grandma say about it.
2) On relationships, marriage, and modern social life:
As Americans lose the wider face-to-face ties that build social trust, they become more dependent on romantic relationships for intimacy and deep communication, and more vulnerable to isolation if a relationship breaks down. In some cases we even cause the breakdown by loading the relationship with too many expectations. Marriage is generally based on more equality and deeper friendship than in the past, but even so, it is hard for it to compensate for the way that work has devoured time once spent cultivating friendships.
I couldn't agree more with this. The whole piece is really interesting and, I think, a damning indictment of this idea that a marriage has to be the social and emotional centerpiece of one's life. But it's easy to understand why people place so much emphasis on marriage: we just don't have the kinds of close social networks that people used to have. Even when we do have great social networks, it's all too easy to slip into major dependence on your significant other, especially when everything else in life might seem uncertain. I know. And if you don't have a significant other, well, that pasture sure looks all the greener for it.
Every single friend of mine who's recently graduated from college tells me the same thing - it's really hard to meet people. Especially the kind of people with whom you want to develop close friendships. We are all quietly struggling with this in our respective locales - Oregon, New York, New Hampshire, Georgia, Texas, California - and the folks who feel the most comfortable in a new place are, predictably, the ones in a relationship. I mean, look at me: what happened with the first nice guy I met in Boise? We certainly aren't just friends anymore, and I'm loving having someone to go do stuff and meet people with. But the problem with this, and again I make a good example, is that one close relationship can't replace a deep network of friends and peers whom you respect. And should things go sour with Z, I lose that connection, in addition to his friends, who I also like. That would put me back at square one.
But how the devil do you build a social network from scratch? I know the answers: putting yourself out there and talking to co-workers, seeking out volunteer or activist organizations, simply initiating conversation when you find the opportunity, going to bars, etc. But that takes time - and a whole lot of social moxie that's doubly daunting if you're at all introverted or less-than-socially-adept.
I'm getting off topic. As for marriage - the writer has some excellent advice:
Paradoxically, we can strengthen our marriages the most by not expecting them to be our sole refuge from the pressures of the modern work force. Instead we need to restructure both work and social life so we can reach out and build ties with others, including people who are single or divorced.
True that. When/If I ever marry, I want it to be on those terms.